Woody Allen - The Man!

It's been a while since I have laughed hysterically while reading a book. Before the comic relief in one sentence sinks in, you are bombarded with some more. Woody Allen is my new muse.

This genre of comedy might not be for everyone, but here is a snippet. If you were in splits for this, then you are in for a good ride. Pick up his complete collection of short stories.

Following is an excerpt from one my favourite short stories by Allen, The Scrolls (mockery of biblical references!)

..And it came to pass that a man who sold shirts was smitten by hard times. Neither did any of his merchandise move nor did he prosper.

And he prayed and said, "Lord, why hast thou left me to suffer thus? All mine enemies sell their goods except I. And it's the height of the season. My shirts are good shirts. Take a look at this rayon. I got button-downs, flare collars, nothing sells. Yet I have kept thy commandments. Why can I not earn a living when mine younger brother cleans up in children's ready to -wear?"

And the Lord heard the man and said, "About thy shirts . . ."

"Yes, Lord," the man said, falling to his knees.

"Put an alligator over the pocket."

"Pardon me, Lord?"

"Just do what I'm telling you. You won't be sorry."

And the man sewed on to all his shirts a small alligator symbol and lo and behold, suddenly his merchandise moved like gangbusters, and there was much rejoicing while amongst his enemies there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, and one said, "The Lord is merciful. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. The problem is, I can't get up."

Laws and Proverbs
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- Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

[If you are not aware of abominations in the bible, here's a 101 -

Leviticus 18:22 You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.]

Reading his work was inevitable, owing to a quote that I chanced upon many years ago -

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.

You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

- Next Life by Woody Allen